I've got to admit I originally thought it would be easy trying to write about Spiritual things during such a crazy couple of years with all that's going on, the pandemic, wars, so-called christian rebellions, political craziness and so much more. It really does have even me thinking it's the time of the end and maybe that's not so bad.
However, each time I think I can sit down to write, something else happens and once again my personal life gets pummeled. Each event that has happened to me personally from divorce, deaths of friends, a nasty landlord, moving a business, losing our house, leaving friends, changing communities, health, finances and so on, has stripped away more of my resolve, shown me who I can actually trust and made me feel truly alone. Each event was separate yet overlapping. Each felt like another in a long list of attacks. And each tore another hole in my already fragile heart.
I've known depression for a long time. I've understood mental health issues since childhood. Yet, something in me has always tried to find hope, what is good and light. Darkness doesn't scare me. Demonic forces haven't destroyed me, yet. Even losing so much through trials and tribulations hasn't crushed me. However, the betrayal of those I've trusted, loved and believed in, that has had the biggest toll on my soul. More than I ever really expected it could.
I always held fast to the belief that God can do all things and by trusting in God, the Christ and the Holy Spirit, everything will work out, even the rough parts. With God's help I can change anything and do the impossible, as long as I believe.
I can still say with confidence that I believe this statement. However, I have grown to understand it a little more. God can do all things, but God will not take away peoples free will to choose for themselves. It's a promise God made. Even if that free will hurts those around us, causes pain and suffering, and seems so utterly wrong, I am promised by God to have the free will to choose my own actions and live my own life.
I just wish God would make it a lot clearer that having this free will to choose also makes us responsible for the consequences of our own actions. (Or Maybe God did and we choose not to listen.)
We are the ones who hurt each other, we seek money and greed, we spread disease and sickness, we cause the death of wars. The result is innocent people dying, hurting and losing their right to freely choose the path for their own life. God isn't taking away peoples right to choose, we are taking it away by our own choice to not consider the consequences of our own actions upon others.
I've witness countless times demons whispering in the ears of others, even Christians if you can believe it, shortly after I've seen that person start to tear down another or do something they shouldn't. When I tried to intervene, I'm told it's none of my business, to butt out or even worse for a moment they listen but once I'm gone they choose the wrong path anyways. It's their right to choose and for some unknown reason to me, they believe that hurting others through words or actions is what they need to do.
Back to what I said at the beginning, I've learned more about my own beliefs on all of this as a result. That I too am a hypocrite and even my desire to believe that others should be good, kind and compassionate is me trying to impose my will on others.
I'll share a lesson from my own life that is teaching me this. I'm currently trying patiently to get my final divorce papers signed by my ex-wife from our separation over two years ago. Even the thought of talking about being divorced for me is extremely hard. I've been married and with the person I loved for most of my life that to think it is over is extremely difficult. I believed marriage was forever, and by committing to each other under God and working as equals together, every obstacle could be worked through and overcome. But it was my belief, and I was imposing my will when I wanted it to be hers too. Through sickness and health, poverty and wealth as long as we were together sharing the joys and burdens, I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work, while trusting God fully to carry us; and we always made it through.
Yet as our children grew up they noticed more and more something that I was blinded to, their mother didn't feel the same about me, our life, my belief in her, and even what I tried to portray she felt towards them. I was in love and thought that by believing enough in who she could be and trusting God to help her, things could change and get better. I knew we always had problems, even when we were teens and later dating. So many people throughout the years saw what my children saw, and told me, warned me and yet I wanted to believe that with God, I could fix it. I thought I just had to believe enough, do enough, commit enough and be enough for the both of us.
I was taught marriage was forever and divorce was wrong except under very specific circumstances and my failure with our marriage was a failure in my Christian faith. As my ex said many times though, I just didn't want to be wrong and fail. And she was right with that statement.
You see no matter how much I tried to change, cover-up her mistakes, compensate with the kids and thought my believing in her to be someone she didn't want to be was a good thing. She was right each time she told me that she wasn't the person I saw within her. She gets to choose who she is, not me. I was the one who couldn't accept it, and wasn't seeing just how much that person she chose to be was hurting her children, her friendships, herself and me. She liked having the security and didn't want to leave it, and my belief about divorce didn't want me to let her go.
By my very nature as an empathic person, a true Christ following Christian and someone who deeply wanted a loving relationship and family always, I thought I could fix it, change me, change her, love enough, care enough, do enough, be enough. But I can't and I was wrong. God gave free will, it's a promise, no matter how much I agree or disagree with it.
But someone had to change and I realized it had to be me, because of free will I can only choose to change myself, my opinions, my beliefs and my situations. If those changes could have positive consequences on myself and our children, perhaps then, this is the best choice. And, if I truly trust God to be with me always and help me when I'm trying my best to do what's right, then I know God wouldn't abandon me ever, even if my church might have said otherwise.
The only free will choice I had was to let her go so the rest of us could begin to heal. And then the choice of who she is and wants to be is truly in her control and the consequences are hers as well.
As Christians we often forget just how wrong we can be. We are taught doctrines through churches that we want to believe are right, but they are just man made laws. I've been fighting against this since I was a teenager, with still little success.
Jesus Christ came to take control back from the powers that be and place it where it always belonged, in our own hands, our right to choose and the Hope that we would choose to believe in the good that God sees. Jesus didn't force it, push it, act self-righteous or judgmental about it. Jesus understood that not everyone would be wise, kind or caring. Jesus simply wanted to give back our right to choose and by that action we are also reminded that God will hold us accountable for our actions good or bad. We can't blame our church, other Christians, our parents, the government or our family for every poor choice we make, while taking all the credit for our good choices. We have to think independently for ourselves and consider how our actions will affect those around us.
We have the ability to make the world a better place but we can't force the world to do it the way we want it done.
God is real and wants to help. Angels and demons exist. Spirits and ghost are around. Jesus did come, die, rise and bring hope. But we are the ones tasked with working together with them and each other to make our lives and others better. We can't do that by forcing our will on others, spewing hateful comments, holding fast to unreasonable beliefs of a doctrine and condemning anyone who doesn't agree with 'me'.
Hope is believing in what can be. And I hope that through the trials of the past couple years, I can be a more understanding and open minded person, not led by fear of what I might lose but filled with grace to understand that as flawed as I am perhaps, I'm not alone and there are others who see as I do.
