Recently I’ve been going through those old forgotten boxes
stashed in the back of the storage room completely ignored and left, well,
preferably forever. But no, my OCD finally won out and I felt the need to
finally go through them and clean them out. After all I never did forget about
them and they keep haunting my dreams. What I didn’t realize was just how old
some of the boxes labelled ‘filing cabinet’ actually were and that this is
where I had stashed all the ‘will sort later’ stuff as well. So I began the
journey of dredging through the past to get rid of stuff I’ve obviously not
missed but just couldn’t let go of at one point in time.
I will have to admit going through some of these boxes has
been a very hard process because it reminded me of past struggles, judgements,
self-doubts and hurts. However, it’s also shown me how much I have grown,
learned, overcome and stood strong. I’ve never met anyone whose life was an
easy journey, but I’ve often had people amazed at what I’ve gone through and
question why I’ve never just given up. Well if they could have gone through
these old boxes, preferably for me, they would have seen how many times I
wanted to quit and give up, but something inside of me kept pushing forward and
believed life could be better.
As an author dealing with the subject of spiritual warfare
it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that I’ve also struggled with depression
most of my life. In fact during my teen and young adult years, many people used
the issue of my depression to excuse what I was feeling and seeing as simply
made up and part of my “messed up psychological state”. Needless to say their
comments certainly didn’t help my depression in any way. However, no matter how
much people judged and how low I felt, something deep inside of me couldn’t let
go of the truth that I was more than their words and beliefs, I was somebody
whom I just didn’t believe in yet.
From weight issues, family deaths, abuse, depression,
poverty, house fires, health & heart issues, heart attacks, loved ones
dying of cancer, my son having a miracle and surviving cancer, and so much
more, the truth is on several occasions even I considered ending it all because
life can be hard and will wear you down until you feel you have nothing left. However,
those boxes I mentioned earlier filled with my life back then, only tell part
of the story. If I had given up and given in to how tough life can be and will
be still, I wouldn’t be writing this blog now and able to fill new boxes with
the stories of what I’ve overcome.
What I lacked back then was the ability to believe in who I
am and can be. I’ve always been someone who felt emotions deeply, both in
myself and within others. I often feel other people’s emotions so strongly that
I used to take them on as if they were my own. If I was around someone who felt
deep loss from the death of someone close, then I would somehow absorb their
pain and take it on myself. They would feel better, yet I felt so sad. In these
old boxes I found letters from people thanking me for helping them through a
tough time and how much I made them feel better, yet as I read the letters I
remembered how helping them caused me more pain and only added to my own
depression. Back then I thought there was something wrong with me and those I
confided in simply told me not take on other people’s problems and leave them
to deal with life themselves, while at the same time, these confidants were
using me to help them with their own lives and problems. So I became lonely and
quit sharing my frustrations with others and learned to just keep everything
inside.
If you’ve read any of my books I’m sure you can recognize
the similarities between my main character “Malachai” and myself, yes, my books
are written about my own life journey. The reason I finally started writing
them is because God kept tugging on my heart to share my story as others needed
to hear it. To me my life doesn’t seem like something others would care much
for, but placed in God’s hands, my life has been used to encourage many and help
them find hope. Hope is the thing deep inside of me that never could let go or
give up no matter how hard life was, and I believe strongly it was God who
place it there in order to give a life-line so I could believe in who He
created me to be all along.
Now after many years, I’ve learned that being depressed
at times is not evil or bad, there’s actually nothing wrong with me. When life
is hard it’s okay to feel down, frustrated, overwhelmed and depressed. It’s
just a valley I’m walking through and even though I still haven’t found someone
who understands my odd way of thinking and why I feel such deep emotion or the
spiritual things I see and feel, it doesn’t mean I’m messed up or wrong,
instead it proves I’m a unique individual and I’m necessary for both God’s
purposes and for others because I see the world a different way.
Where some judged and criticized because I claimed to see
angels and demons, I’ve learned because God allowed me to see differently, I
have been able to help people in ways they can’t see. Even in churches where I
watched righteous Christians judging others who struggled with handi-caps,
mental illness and more, even trying to cast the demons out, my unique way of
seeing was able to see the truth and stop the unrighteous judgments of
innocent normal people who were never demon possessed but just different. I was
able to actually help them believe in who God created them to be instead of trying
to make them suitable to fit in.
My ability to feel emotions within others and see deeper
within their souls may still be a burden much of the time, but in God’s hands I’ve
been able to help countless people sort through their struggles of life and
gain a perspective which offers them hope. Since writing my books I’ve learned there
are many people who feel as I do and all have struggled with depression and
mental illness as a result as well. There’s even a name attributed to those who
feel deep emotion, their called Empath’s, because they feel deep empathy and
emotion for others. I’ve also found that it is more commonly attributed for
women to be empath’s than for men, which again is why for me to feel as I do
has been criticized more and caused me to hide it. However, I shouldn’t,
because once again I’ve learned there is nothing wrong with me and I need to
let God help me use my gift while trusting Him to help me let go of the
emotions when they become too strong for me to handle.
Depression runs strong in my family history which gives me a
clue that perhaps I’m not the only one struggling with what I see and feel in
the world around me. Perhaps the truth is many people have felt and seen the
kinds of things I have but instead of learning to use these abilities they’ve shut
them off and made themselves ‘normal’ because it’s easier to fit in. I’m
certainly not one to judge their decision because I agree with them, it is
easier. However, just remember there are those of us who don’t need to fit in
as we are happy, at least most of the time, with being different. There’s nothing wrong with our shape,
look, style, way of thinking or beliefs, and we were never meant to be like
everyone else, but we are normal, just as God intended us to be. We are just learning to believe what He already sees.
